I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
