My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
