dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Randomize
