my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
