I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize