that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
