I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Randomize
