by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
