His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
