So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
birth control should be required to get into college
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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