is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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