what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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