New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
