You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
