Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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