I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
