I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
