does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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