So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
