How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
should my penis look like a turkey
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
