I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
