i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
