oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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