Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize