Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
