i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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