Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
