It's like God shit irony all over that family
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I would ride that face into the sunset
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
