Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
