Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
