He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
