drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
