your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
