you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In America we eat man semen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
