I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
