everyone is single if you try hard enough
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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