Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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