dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
