Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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