We're facebook friends in real life
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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