i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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