That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
