Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
