And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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