Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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