drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
