i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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