you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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