She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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