He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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