I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
