Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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