Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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