Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
