I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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