I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
