i think my mom watched the whole time
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
